So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
