every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
