Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
