I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
