I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
