Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
