would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
