I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
