The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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