All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
