fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hope mine doesn't look like that
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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