I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
