I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
