You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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