I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
