There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So much rum. So many feels.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
