can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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