Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
