Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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