dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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