I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
