is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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