why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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