Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
babies were throwing up all over the place
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
