shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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