I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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