There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
