I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
