worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
