textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
