My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
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Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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