I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
