I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
