If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
