This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
