I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
