No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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