I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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