I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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