i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It all started with a game of naked twister.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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