i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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