You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
it's great music for shaving your balls
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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