If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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