I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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