youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
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You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
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painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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