are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
