i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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