I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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