is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
