Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
