Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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