the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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