Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
