non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
