he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
