I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
