So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
