I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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